Loathsome Lauren Boebert: Asshole of the Week 19

Loathsome Lauren Boebert: Asshole of the Week 19

Loathsome Lauren Boebert: Asshole of the Week 19

Lauren Boebert has the distinction of being a paradigm for three entries in the World Book Encyclopedia. If you inspect the submissions for “white trash”, “cracker”, or “redneck” you will spy a photo of Mrs. Roberts-Boebert.

Lauren started life as white, redneck trash. She was born in Florida on December 19, 1986. She does not know the identity of her biological father (our first hint as to her fine pedigree). There has been speculation, along with an unresolved paternity suit, that her father was a professional tag-team wrestler (yep, that’s right). It is unfair to judge someone born (although the alleged father wanted her aborted) into circumstances beyond her control. Perhaps her later opposition to abortion is due to her barely escaping the genetic burn barrel herself. None of us choose our parents. This alone cannot qualify one for Cracker Hall of Infamy, but Lauren embraced the lifestyle of the ignorant with abandon.

Her family moved to Colorado in 1998 where her family somehow managed to buy a $200,000 house. There is mention of two brothers in her biography though nothing beyond their existence. One of them or her step-father may be the father of the child that ended her education. She quit high school because she had a child and took a job as an assistant manager at a local McDonald’s (the first step in her inglorious career as a restaurateur). That same year her future husband, Jayson (perhaps his parents thought the protagonist in the Argonautica was the offspring of some guy named Jay), did a stint in jail for public indecency and lewd exposure ( I tell you, it was class all the way with this couple).


The next year Lauren and Jayson married. Lauren began popping out babies like Pop-Tarts in a toaster. Both obtained employment in the oil and gas pipeline business and she became a busy young woman. Between raisin’ chillun and her job she barely had time for her hobbies, breeding pit bulls (she played the role of the bitch) and target shooting at the local pet shelter.

Lauren’s mother, who also resided in Rifle, Colorado, was an early Qanon follower ( what can you expect from someone who would fuck any pro wrestler who happened by) and Lauren came to espouse the same bizarre conspiracies. This, like many other irrational acts of which she was guilty, was denied when it became inconvenient or not politically advantageous.

Ever the rebels, the Boeberts lost their home to foreclosure in 2010 and lost a civil case to Capital One Bank in 2012. Lauren was cited for violations in three Colorado counties from 2011 to 2020. This rule breaker let her pit bulls (what else?) run free and failed to license them. Since it was within a year of the foreclosure, perhaps she couldn’t fit them in the No-Tell motel in which they likely lived. She received citations for speeding, following too close to another vehicle, and driving with expired license plates. To ensure her irresponsible citizen status she was cited several times for failure to use a seatbelt and failure to use proper child restraints (nothing says loving mother like taking the risk of turning the kiddies into little car pinballs). In 2015 Lauren was cited for causing a public disturbance at a County Jam event. Apparently, she very loudly objected to the detainment of underage drinkers and declared that she had friends at Fox News who would expose the Sheriff’s department ( it is unclear what there was to expose, having been detained for that offense myself, though not recently). You just can’t make this stuff up!

In a quest to become shoddy restaurant moguls, the couple opened two additional greasy spoons in Rifle. Smokehouse 1776, right across the street from Shooters (competing against yourself is a brilliant business strategy) and Putters at the Rifle Creek Golf Course. Putters was an early black mark on the restaurant dynasty, having been sold after only a year. In 2017 Smokehouse 1776 was found responsible for 80 cases of food poisoning at the Garfield County Rodeo and cited for serving food without a license. At this point, it becomes hard to tell the difference between a freedom-loving spirit and stupidity. Lauren topped off that year by getting jailed for failure to appear (something she does regularly) on a 2016 misdemeanor.

In 2020, shortly before the primary elections, Lauren obtained a GED. That’s right, this congresswoman took until the age of 34 to get the equivalent of a high school diploma. Her campaign began as a result of her vocal dispute with the Democratic governor over the closing of businesses due to the pandemic. There is nothing that pisses off stupid rednecks like someone trying to save lives. She weaseled her way into national headlines by challenging Beto O’Rourke at a town hall meeting on his proposal to buy back rifles like AR-15s.

Since becoming a congresswoman Lauren has put her stupidity on full display. She has endorsed the full basket of deplorables and aligned herself with the most outlandish and evidence-free conspiracy conjectures (a post about the word ‘theory’ is yet to come). She has insulted nearly every ethnic group except white. She has never proposed a bill that made it out of committee.

Her behavior and demeanor as a member of Congress can be called troubling at best or more appropriately bat-shit-crazy. Lauren is another example of the Dunning–Kruger effect in that stupid people are smart enough to assess how stupid they are.

Some of her greatest hits include:

  • Organizing a rally protesting a Colorado red flag law that allowed officials to seize guns from individuals deemed a threat. The American Patriots Three Percenters provided ‘security’ and members of the Proud Boys attended. She later denied any association with the Proud Boys.
  • Her campaign manager called the Proud Boys, “everything that makes America great..”. She later distanced herself from this comment.
  • During her congressional campaign, she said she was “with the militia”.
  • During an interview, Lauren stated, “Everything I’ve heard of Q, I hope that this is real because it only means America is getting stronger and better.”
  • Fully revealing her ignorance of the U.S. Constitution she told a religious service “The church is supposed to direct the government. The government is not supposed to direct the church. That is not how our founding fathers intended it.” (See the Constitution or my post The Floundering Fathers – Part 1 for clarification on this issue)
  • Boebert has repeated the erroneous allegations that the 2020 election was rigged on several occasions
  • Referring to Jefferson’s letter to the Danbury Baptist Church, Lauren said she was “tired of this separation of church and stat junk that’s not in the constitution. It was in a stinking letter, and it means nothing like what they say it does”.
  • She called COVID-19, “the Fauci-funded China virus” and the January 6, 2020 riots at the Capitol a political protest.
  • Lauren supports the abolishment of the Department of Education (after all, she didn’t need no education).
  • Rather than continue this list ad Infinitum, I can summarize by saying, think of anything good and decent and Lauren Boebert will have or has opposed it.

Lauren is something of a surprise. Given her family background and life attitude, one would expect her to live in a rundown trailer park with a passel of kids asking them to hush up while she watched her stories. The fact she is an elected member of Congress says something about our nation or at least the people of Colorado’s 3rd Congressional District.

Know someone who is deserving? Mention it in the comments

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Bruce Workman

Bruce Workman

Bruce is a retired rubber chemist. He is the former publisher, editor and head writer for the county Democratic Party newsletter.

He is currenty a freelance writer, and a political activist. Bruce likes to read, research, write, design this website, and fish.

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