Loser Lawyer John Eastman: AOTW 16
Like the majority of attorneys at law, John was born to mating coyotes somewhere on the plains of Nebraska. In his early years, he survived on a diet of prairie dogs and weasel urine. The pack migrated to the area outside Dallas, TX. Pup number three changed his name to John Eastman—a combination of the euphemism for toilet and the inventor of the Land Camera. He applied to local schools by threatening the superintendent with rabid weasel urine and was accepted.
John graduated from Lewisville High School. He frequently ate his homework but was still able to graduate. His diploma was coated in Yellowbird Habanero Sauce so he would not chew it. The sole entry in his senior yearbook was, “Bad dog! Bad dog!”. He underwent a full-body shave and facial surgery so he would look more human so he could attend and bachelor’s degree from the University of Dallas—recently ranked ninth in the nations as least LGBT friendly by the Princeton Review. This did not prevent them from being endorsed by a conservative Catholic association.
JE received a JD from the University of Chicago Law School and upon passing the bar examination had achieved his destiny. He also received a Ph.D. in Government from the graduate school at his alma mater, the University of Dallas.
John served as a director at the United States Commission on Civil Rights—possibly as a way to scout the opposition. He ran, unsuccessfully, for Congress in California’s 34th District—a place where no association with the district or the state is apparent. After law school he clerked for Judge J. Michael Luttig at the federal Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit and later for Justice Clarence Thomas—it is only recently that we learned why he kept a low profile. While clerking for Justice Thomas, John learned how to handle any case without compassion or respect for the law.
He toured the right-wing-nut-job circuit, even appearing on The Hugh Hewitt Show. Eastman also was an attorney for the State of South Dakota—true to his Canis latrans heritage he is always looking for prey everywhere—where he lost a SCOTUS challenge to federal spending. It seems the Court thought that South Dakota shouldn’t control spending for the other 49 states—who knew?
John has a history of losing cases in the Supreme Court of the United States. He unsuccessfully represented the legislature of North Carolina and the State of Arizona in cases involving same-sex marriage, abortion, and immigration. If you have a knee-jerk-conservative case without merit, John Eastman is your man. This will prove to be prophetic. To add icing to the asshole cake, John appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee to argue that President Obama’s suspension of deportations was unconstitutional. A year later he lost this case, too.
IIn 2010, Eastman ran for California Attorney General (again, what does he have against the state of California). He may have made enough money losing cases and teaching other attorneys how to lose cases so that he could buy a residence in California and pursue his passion for hunting blue whales with RPG launchers. John came in third in the Republican primary. This was the seat Kamala Harris held for the Democrats. Adopting a sore loser policy, a policy later embraced by prominent Republicans including the ocherous excrement, John wrote an op-ed in Newsweek challenging VP Harris’s citizenship—an action that seems petty to almost anyone.
Speaking of the orange turd, John Eastman became his most ludicrous and became a criminal during the aftermath of the 2020 election. His greatest misses include Representing Trump in motion to intervene in the case filed by Texas attorney general, Ken Paxton—a future AOTW candidate if he is still around. The case challenged the electors in other states and once again John decided to support another case without merit. The Supreme Court declined to hear the case, possibly because there was no precedent for one state challenging the election results in four other states. One-hundred and fifty-nine members of the faculty of his alma mater, including two from the law school, published a statement condemning his arguments and calling them “idiotic.” John follwed this up with a memo calling the Vice-President the “ultimate arbitrator.”
I will not go into more detail here since it was covered in the 6/16/22 Select Committee, which you can view on YouTube or the CNN website. I know Judge Luttig’s testimony was boring—who else could take ten seconds to follow the word United with the word States?—but it will be worth suffering through it..
In summary, John Eastman is a terrible lawyer and a criminal. He should be disbarred and sent to prison!