Asshole of the Week
This is the first of a new series. I will have to post-date this since we all know that the real asshole of this week and weeks to come is Vladimir Putin. The reason this will be a weekly event, for the foreseeable future is that there are a plethora of candidates. In fact, Putin is running neck and neck with Donald J. Trump for Asshole of the Century (or perhaps Asshole of the Millennium if humanity is around that long).
So, I am proud to announce the first-ever MBW Asshole of the Week award winner. In recognition of excellence in assholiness and total indifference to the wants,needs and values of others
Matt has been a practicing asshole ever since graduating sine honore from The University of Notre Dame. At this time, he decided to put aside his passion for plaid sportscoats, polka-dotted bowties, disreputable deals, and used cars to pursue the practice of law. He graduated cum summa infectum somnia with a Juris Doctorate degree from the University of Cincinnati School of Law. After graduation, Matt became a full partner in Huffman, Duzhy, Cheetem, and Howe.
Born in Lima, Ohio to a prominent family of alternative medicine hawkers, Matt decided he hadn’t done enough to bring down the reputation of his hometown and entered local politics. (At this point, I should probably add, for the sake of those who don’t do well understand satirical content (not you, intelligent reader), that the only real biographical information given here are the names of the schools and his birthplace. I am taking great editorial liberties here. I also included a helpful link: Latin to English).
Matt served on the Lima City Council (as member and president) from 1991 – 2006. He was responsible for the No Cleavage Act, which makes it a second-degree felony to breast-feed in Lima without a burqa, the Responsible Pedicure Ordinance, no toenail clipping without cleaning up every errant scrap, and of course the Huffman Entrepreneurial statute, which requires local businesses to make sure their donations to the Matt to the Future Fund are only made in small denominations in a brown envelope.
Actually, I have no idea what he did in Lima, it is only recently that he has risen to asshole prominence. If all of this is beginning to sound a little childish and insincere it is because it is. I am accounting for my lack of knowledge for the “Little Asshole: The Early Years” section that I would like to become a regular feature. Matt was only known to Buckeyes, and I have never heard of him while living in other states. Recently he has pushed the envelope to gain asshole prominence throughout the nation.
Matt is a good Catholic boy scoring a solid 0% from both NARAL Pro-Choice Ohio and Planned Parenthood Advocates of Ohio. He served in the Ohio House before getting his big breaks in 2017 when he was elected to the Senate and in 2021 when he became its President. With this position came power and according to the formula developed by the famed mathematician Lord Schittsschmeer: power + asshole = power-asshole. Okay, I’ll stop!
At a goodbye celebration for outgoing House Speaker Clifford Rosenberger, emcee Huffman and Majority Leader Bill Seitz regaled the audience with inappropriate comments about female legislators. Class act that he was and is, Matt called a female candidate seeking support from the party the vulgar term for female genitalia. Another female legislator was “very unpopular” and ineffective in the male-dominated legislature. He demeaned another woman by saying she wore a tin-foil hat. At least one female legislator walked out. A Republican candidate for state treasurer and four female Democratic legislators called for Seitz ‘s resignation. Rosenberger, not the injured parties, accepted a public apology from Seitz in lieu of resignation and then-Senate President Larry Obhoff announced Huffman's behavior was under review. It seems Huffman was later punished with a promotion.
Matthew cares for your kids. He was instrumental in ensuring that the "Fair School Funding Plan" as originally submitted never saw the light of day. Matt is always a man with a plan. He and his Republican assholytes had a new way to fund schools that included vouchers to fund parochial and charter schools (hey, it worked well in the past) while lowering the pain of his wealthy donors paying taxes. Huffman always seeks a way to provide comfor to corporations and the helpless wealthy.
Matt has saved his greatest work for championing the repeal of voting rights for those who might interfere with his plan to become the patron saint of the rich and despicable. I was not involved in the efforts of 2014-22015 to fix the gerrymandered maps drawn in secret after the 2010 census., but I was in the 2018 efforts to accomplish the same for congressional districts so I have a sense of the effort and dedication involved. I am sure we all thought that a constitutional amendment was enough and the state districts were guaranteed to be fair. How could we know then that Matt would be more than willing to shit on the constitution and the Ohio Supreme Court as well as the voting public?
As we approached the number of signatures necessary to get a constitutional referendum on the ballot, Huffman appeared to take a sudden interest in compromise and fairness. I was admittedly wary and voiced my doubts to all who would listen, but I was still new to the Ohio political scene and decided to defer to the judgment of the more experienced (not that there was anything else I could do). At least we got a brief taste of the experience of Native Americans when entering into treaties with the Europeans. There are some people you should never trust under any circumstances and Matt Huffman is one of the people. I do not have any mind-reading ability (nobody does) so I can't be absolutely certain of his thoughts, but I am convinced he was plotting to screw everyone from the start. He saw a possible threat to his power and wanted to negate it by any means. We should have been tipped off as to what was to come by his remarks casting doubt on the mail-in ballot system in Ohio. He expressed Trumpian concern about the chain of custody and signature verification; casting dispersion on a long-standing system defended by fellow Republican Frank LaRose.
Those of us who followed the Redistricting Commission hearings, we witnessed a display of duplicity, manipulation, and deceit that is unmatched since Lenin told Nicholas that his family would be taken care of. Everywhere you find moneyed interests you will find Matt doing close personal inspections of every asshole there. It is good to keep an eye and lips on the competition. So congratulations to the first winner of the coveted MBW Asshole of the Week Award, General Asshole himself: MATT HUFFMAN.
Please feel free to nominate your own candidates in the comments. Remember to stick to those meeting the definition. Violators will be subjected to Matt's flatulent stench.