Mike DeWine: Asshole of the Week
Mike was born in Yellow Springs, Ohio, although it was rumored that it wasn't called Yellow Springs at the time and was renamed after the color of his discarded box springs due to his habitual bed-wetting. As near as we can tell, Mike was born wearing glasses. It is a cross he has long had to bear. Other elementary school kids used to call him four-eyes, nerd, pansy, and for some reason, shit for brains. All of this taunting produced a bitter kid bent on revenge who grew to be a bitter old man bent on revenge.
Mike's childhood was largely uneventful, consisting mostly of masturbating and attending mass, sometimes at the same time. He amassed a modest fortune screwing the special ed children out of their lunch money, by having them bet on flea races. Only Mike could see the fleas due to his superpower glasses. Mike received a baccalaureate in education from Miami University in Ohio and a JD from Ohio State University. His first job was in the prosecutor's office in Greene County. There were plenty of opportunities for revenge, but apparently, he wanted more power to really get even.
He was a member of the Ohio Senate, where the assholes grow, for 2 years before taking over the U.S. House seat from Bud Brown. After eight years he became Lieutenant Governor under Voinovich. After that, he became a U.S. Senator from Ohio for two terms before losing by double digits to Sherrod Brown. His big accomplishment in the Senate was sponsoring the Drug-Free Century Act, an ill-fated attempt to delay complete defeat in the 'War on Drugs'.
After a three-year hiatus, during which he enacted his revenge by teaching government at Cedarville, Ohio Northern and Miam Universities, he ran for and was elected Attorney General—' now they'll regret making fun of me.' His major accomplishments as Attorney General: 1. He sent letters to drugstore chains asking them to discontinue the sale of tobacco products, to which he undoubtedly got many 'fuck off' responses. 2. He endorsed Rick "Keep Me in the Closet" Santorum for President in 2008. 3. He filed suit against the Affordable Care Act, claiming it was an infringement on the rights of states to starve and deny medical treatment to their residents.
And then, he became Governor of Ohio. While we were all waiting pensively for him to screw up the entire state, he did two rational acts. After the shooting in Dayton, he proposed judges be allowed to confiscate firearms from those deemed dangerous or mentally ill and expanded background checks for those seeking to buy firearms. In early 2020, Mike issued a statewide quarantine during the early and most dangerous days of COVID-19. Of course, by being rational he lost the support of many in his own party and caused many Democrats to wonder if he wasn't the big ass they thought he was.
Then the Democrats remembered the other actions he had undertaken. DeWine signed the "Heartbeat Bill" which prohibited all abortions after a heartbeat was detected. There were no exceptions for allowed for rape and incest. Mike was opposed to ending the death penalty in Ohio even after a former governor, a former attorney general and the most corrupt Speaker of the House in Ohio history cited ineffectiveness along with racial and wealth disparities. He later reversed his gun control stance and agreed with legislation to turn Ohio into a Wild West state, where anyone can carry a gun and no training is needed.
His biggest qualification for Asshole of the Week is his work on redistricting. He has gone along with, and possibly helped plan, the biggest swindle ever propagated on Ohio voters. Despite referendums advancing proposals to end partisan gerrymandering and drawing districts reflecting the will of the voters—with over 70% in favor—, Mike and his fellow Republicans on the Ohio Redistricting Committee decided to highjack the commission in an effort to enact gerrymandered maps. They proposed maps the Ohio Supreme Court declared unconstitutional not once but four times. Their efforts in the Commission were deceitful and insincere. They did everything to stall and run out the clock, then stated there was not enough time to draw a fair map.
In the end, Mike is nothing more than a kneejerk Republican marching to whatever beat the latest demagogue sets.