Mitch “Malicious Testudinal” McConnell: Asshole of the Week 22

Mitch "Malicious Tortoise" McConnell: Asshole of the Week 22

Mitch “Mr. Malicious” McConnell: Asshole of the Week 22

Addison Mitchell McConnell III was born to a pair of terrapins in an Alabama bayou on, as far as we can tell—they didn’t keep good records on the births of turtles—, February 20, 1942. Apparently, the media is not as concerned with the age of the Senate minority leader—a position in which he will remain until he retires or is defeated—as they are the age of the President. Upon judging the demeanor of his son, Addison Jr. bought a funeral home, thinking his son’s naturally dour appearance would make him a natural funeral director.

Mitch III (hereafter I will just refer to him as Mitch) contracted polio at the age of two. The treatment saved him from permanent disability and nearly bankrupted the family. After Jr. did a stint in the army at Fort Gordon, the family moved to Louisville. Mitch attended high school there and shattered his father’s dreams by choosing political science instead of mortuary science. While attending the University of Louisville, Mitch tried out for both the football and basketball teams. He did not make either team and both coaches voiced the same evaluation, “he just won’t stick his neck out.”

Mitch graduated from UofL with a B.A. in political science and a minor in knowing and screwing enemies. He received his law degree from the University of Kentucky School of Law in 1967His educational deferment expired upon his graduation and the Vietnam War was reaching its peak. Rather than take that risk, Mitch joined the Army Reserve as a private. His first day was two days after taking the bar exam. He served a total of 37 days before being diagnosed was the rare optic neuritis and classified as medically unfit for service.

With his military service and the prospect of going to Vietnam out of the way, Mitch decided to pursue his dream of being America’s Greatest Asshole full time (this was the reason behind his uneasy relationship with Donald Trump who he viewed as a rival for the award). From 1968 to 1970, Mitch served as the chief legislative assistant to Kentucky Senator Marlow Cook, who he later declared to be his mentor.

He volunteered for an unsuccessful gubernatorial race and attempted to run for the state legislature, but did not meet the residential requirements, then spent the next three years working for a Louisville law firm. From 1974 – 1976 Mitch worked in the Attorney General’s office of the Ford administration. While there he worked with and was influenced by Robert Bork and Antonin Scalia

His political career began in 1977 when he was elected to the top office in Jefferson County, judge/executive. He was re-elected in 1981 when he outspent his Democratic opponent 3 to 1, a tactic he would employ for the remainder of his career. Mitch was elected to the Senate in 1984 and has held that position to this day. He was originally described as a pragmatist and moderate Republican, known to support abortion rights and public unions. He later discovered that the route to power in the Republican party involved becoming a right-wing douchebag, a philosophy he came to fully embrace

Mitch served as chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee and voted to convict and remove President Bill Clinton from office in 1999. Apparently lying about a blow job was a much more grievous offense than all the crap that Trump pulled in four years. Later he became Majority Whip. In 2006, Bill Frist chose to step down as Majority Leader. After losing in November, Mitch was elected Minority Leader. With the filibuster, he now had the power to abuse, and abuse it he did. University of Texas legal scholar noted that after Mitch observed how Democratic cooperation helped Bush get re-elected in 2004,” McConnell altogether … rationally concluded that Republicans have nothing to gain, as a political party, from collaborating with anything that the president could then claim as an achievement.” Mitch had gone from caring about the welfare of his constituents to a full-blown obstructionist.

Mitch did everything he could to delay the enactment of or defeat popular programs like healthcare, financial reform, and economic stimulus. The Republican caucus repeatedly threatened to allow the United States to default on its debts. McConnell once stated that he had learned from the 2011 debt-ceiling crisis that “it’s a hostage worth ransoming.” The icing on the obstructionist’s cake was denying President Obama’s appointment of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court and ensure that the Court would be filled with right-wing morons who would later overturn Roe v Wade.

By the time of Trump’s election, Mitch was only concerned with two things: political power and personal wealth. In 2018, McConnell was named by Open Secrets as the wealthiest member of the Senate with an estimated wealth of $25 million. That number doubled after the death of his mother-in-law.

He twice voted not to convict Trump in impeachment trials for offenses far more heinous than hiding a blow job. He even declared Trump guilty after his second vote to not convict. His latest exploit of screwing veterans in an effort to show displeasure with reconciliation votes is a new, and perhaps damaging to his cause, knee-jerk act of obstructionism. Despite rare expressions of support for democracy and the constitution, it has become apparent that Addison III has earned recognition of assholedom.

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Bruce Workman

Bruce Workman

Bruce is a retired rubber chemist. He is the former publisher, editor and head writer for the county Democratic Party newsletter.

He is currenty a freelance writer, and a political activist. Bruce likes to read, research, write, design this website, and fish.

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