Madison Cawthorn: Asshole of the Week
Although many suspect Madison Cawthorn's origins to be reptilian, rodential, or fecal, he was born to human parents in 1995—earning him the title of youngest-ever along with a nomination for must disgusting member of the U.S. House of Representatives. Madison was homeschooled to grade 12—for two reasons, his parents were embarrassed to have him seen in public and they didn't want him exposed to any of that science stuff. Madison remains a science virgin to this day. His parents are still in isolation today, not for the pandemic but because of the soul-crushing embarrassment of what their loins hath wrought. He worked for a time a Chick-Fil-A, where he majored in religious bigotry.
Most of his oral autobiography is based on lies, along with nearly all of his brief political career, which we hope ends in January of 2023. His mentor and Asshole of the Year 2020, Mark Meadows, thought his homeschooling was enough to qualify him for the U.S. Naval Academy. The Naval Academy disagreed and His Dishonor Madison blamed their rejection on the automobile accident over spring break that disabled him. We know this was a lie because the order of events was reversed. The automobile accident has served as an excuse for every failure since it occurred. He first said that he was left to "die in a fiery tomb", the driver, his former friend Bradley Ledford, said that he pulled him, unconscious, from the car. Madison proclaimed, in the same speech, that he was "declared dead on the scene", the official accident report said he was "incapacitated". These statements took place after he declared in a deposition that he had "no memory from the accident."
Madison attended Patrick Henry College—81.1% acceptance rate in 2020—, but he received nearly all Ds and dropped out before receiving a degree in political science. This was another failure he blamed on the accident, which begs the question: Where was he on spring break from, and what were his grades before? Madison claimed he had brain damage and the pain made it hard to read and study—perfect qualifications for a Republican politician, right?
He began his political career based on a lie. He won the primary runoff against the opponent with the highest vote total, endorsed by Trump and Meadows, claiming in ads that she was a "never Trumper." It turned out that they were equally idiotic. He had faced allegations of sexual assault from several women during his campaign in August 2020. He was married in December of 2020 and divorced in one year.
Madison also seems to suffer from a common Republican affliction shared by all of our AOTW winners, the illusion that the rest of us don't remember what was said or happened previously. Since his election to office, his statements and actions have become more outrageous. One of his first acts as a congressman was to speak at the rally shortly before the January 6 insurrection. On February 6, 2021, he claimed he did nothing to incite a riot and merely told those attending the rally "...I am going down to the Capitol right now to speak on your behalf". In August of the same year, he called the jailed insurrectionists "political hostages" and repeated allegations that the 2020 election was stolen On February 1, 2022, he sued the North Carolina Board of Elections for their action to exclude him from running for office again because he participated in an insurrection. The following day he insulted President Biden for sending troops to neighboring allies two weeks before the invasion of Ukraine. On March 9, he was cited for driving with a revoked license along with two citations in other counties for speeding. Also in March he called democratically elected Ukraine President Zelensky a "thug" and declared, "Remember that the Ukrainian government is incredibly corrupt and is incredibly evil and has been pushing woke ideologies."
On March 28, he made his famous statement about cocaine parties and orgies held by members of Congress—imagine "Geezers Gone Wild." April was a particularly busy month. In April 2022, Madison was hit with allegations that he secretly recorded phone calls, denied a staff worker medical and family leave and fired her when she complained, was seen at a party wearing lingerie in leaked photos, was found with a gun at a TSA checkpoint in the Charlotte airport, was accused of insider trading by a senator from his state and party, and blamed all of it on a "coordinated dip campaign" against him, orchestrated by "the establishment." In May a video was circulated showing him groaning and thrusting his genitals at another man's face. He explained it as, "Years ago, in this video, I was being crass with a friend, trying to be funny. We were acting foolish and joking. That's it." He went on to say it was blackmail, but showing the embarrassing video on Twitter before making demands is not how blackmail usually works.
He is quoted as enjoying his visit to, "The vacation house of the Führer. Seeing the Eagles Nest has been on my bucket list for a while, it did not disappoint." At a 'political seminar' at a Mexican border wall—you know the one that was built by crowdfunding in which Steve Bannon and Donald Trump defrauded donors—Madison declared, “Sure, there are children being human-trafficked across our border north into our country for sex slavery and many things that are unspeakable and terrible to think of. But what's really going on is we are having a large group of cartels coming into our country, kidnapping our American children and then taking them to sell them on a slave market, on the sex slave market.” He later went on to claim it was all done by MS13, a favorite conservative boogeyman. Of course, like most of his claims, there is no evidence to support any of these accusations. Evidence is pooh-poohed as being too sciencey and the sexual slavery part may relate to his times at homeschooling and Chick-Fil-A.
It seems that Representative Cawthorn has mutated back to his fecal roots because he is surely a piece of shit. We have to get him his Asshole of the Week award expeditiously, because his 15 minutes may be up on January 1, 2023.