Vladimir Putin – Asshole of the Week

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Matt Huffman: Asshole of the Week

Asshole of the Week

VLADIMER PUTIN

Announcing the MBW Asshole of the Week award winner. In recognition of excellence in assholiness and total indifference to the values of others , the winner is President of Russia and closeted homosexual: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.

Vlad has been a practicing asshole ever since graduating Magna Cum Podex from Leningrad State University with a degree in Stalin Law . After graduation, Vlad decided to use his new skills by joining the KGB. After training extensive training, he had to repeat some classes, he was assigned to the Dresden office in East Germany. With hard work and perseverance Vlad rose to the position of chief custodian and was given the coveted key to the janitorial supply closet. Putin's work in Dresden was downplayed by the former chief of Stasi and a former colleague, but they were probably just jealous of his adeptness with a broom and dustpan.

In reality, little is known about Putin's time in Dresden other than version he may have told. According to Vladimir, he was alone in the KGB office after the Berlin Wall fell. He says he took the remaining weapons a propped them so they pointed out the windows to give the impression there were others there and ready to fight. This was to gain him the time to burn secret documents and secure the files of the Soviet Cultural Center. Since Vlad has never been known as one who valued the truth, it is equally likely that he cried, opened the door and offered the documents as toilet paper—it was dire economic times in East Germany then. After the collapse of the East German government, Putin was kicked out of the KGB due to questions about his loyalty, though the KGB was still operating in East Germany. Putin claims he resigned with the rank of lieutenant colonel on the second of the attempted coup d'état against Mikhail Gorbachev.

Born in Leningrad to the son of Stalin's personal cook , Vlad was an only child. His older brothers died during the siege in World War II. At school he earned affectionate nicknames like dermo shtany and malenkaya kakashka and Vlad the diminutive. I also included a helpful links : Latin to English and Russian to English. After his KGB career abruptly ended, Putin began the "sneaky shit" phase of his life—yes even more so than his time in intelligence. Hen returned to Saint Petersburg and was appointed as an advisor to the mayor. Within a year he became head of the committee responsible for foreign relations and investments. Within a year, he was under investigation by the city council. Despite the recommendation that he be fired, he continue in this role and several other governmental positions in Saint Petersburg until moving on to Moscow.

Putin seems to be a material boy. In Moscow, Putin weaseled his way into positions where he could manipulate assets of the former Soviet Union and the Russian Federation. During this time he was accused of plagiarism by the Brookings Institute because he copied 15 pages from an American textbook while writing his dissertation for a Candidate of Science degree. He seems to have completely fooled Boris Yeltsin and nipped any hope of a democratic Russia in the bud. Yeltsin appointed Putin as director of the FSB (the successor to the KGB), possibly during a drunken stupor, and later appointed him as prime minister. Yeltsin also announced his desire that Putin would be his successor—a clear indication of alcoholic psychosis. Since Putin was still a relatively unknown to the Russian public his opponents for President did not regard him as a serious contender. After the Russian apartment bombings, allegedly done by Chechen rebels but most likely done by Putin cronies, he came out in strong support of the Second Chechen War. He emerged as a law and order candidate and gained popularity that exceeded his rivals. In 1999, Putin denounced communism even though he had been a party member for 16 years. I can only guess that his skills were less than his needs.

As President, Putin's first acts were to stop corruption allegations against Yeltsin and his family as well as investigations into the Saint Petersburg city government and Putin himself. If you find Trump's efforts to pardon himself eerily similar, you are not alone.

It was in Putin's second term that his opponents began to be mysteriously murdered; a phenomenon that marked the remainder of his position at the top. Demonstrations were ruthlessly crushed and opponents began to disappear. By the start of his third term, he had mastered the skills of suppression and intimidation. He started a nationwide witch hunt for homosexuals, equating them with pedophiles—calling for protecting the children has become a tried and true tool for demagogues.

Putin began his policy of regular military incursions into Ukraine, while pining for the good old days of the Soviet Union. He later took control of the Crimea, a Ukrainian territory and claimed that in a referendum Crimeans voted to join the Russian Federation.

Vladimir Putin has established himself as a certified asshole, but it is his latest actions—the brutal and unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation— that have made him worthy of both the AOTW and a nomination for Asshole of the Century.

So congratulations to this week's winner of the coveted MBW Asshole of the Week Award, Lt Colonel Asshole himself: VLADIMIR PUTIN. Please feel free to nominate your own candidates in the comments.

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Bruce Workman

Bruce Workman

Bruce is a retired rubber chemist. He is the former publisher, editor and head writer for the county Democratic Party newsletter.

He is currenty a freelance writer, and a political activist. Bruce likes to read, research, write, design this website, and fish.

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